Not Quite Ready (Part 2)

Okay, It's been a while and I owe an apology. As to an explanation, well there is none.

Last time I teasingly mentioned I came ever so close to joining the ambulance service. It's time to let that cat out of its bag, it's been in there long enough!

I applied for a job as a dispatcher with the South West Ambulance Service (SWAS) at the control room in Almondsbury. The role would involve taking emergency 999 calls from patients, recording details for ambulances to be dispatched and giving life saving medical instruction. You may be wondering why this is all so exciting if I didn't get the job? Well, part of the selection involved listening in on real life 999 calls.

Yeah, this really is as incredible as it sounds and the nerve racking interview was worth it just for this alone. The environment was relaxed and friendly. I was assured it's like having a second family, and I can understand why. Dispatchers deal with some very difficult and sometimes harrowing situations, never knowing what may be on the other end of the phone. I had never given this much thought until recently and I understand why the selection standards are so high.

I am not going to let rejection put me off, this is a perfect avenue for exploration. Many people seem to go from taking calls to either dispatching ambulances or actually being on the road as emergency medical technicians. I would choose the latter, and from there it's just a short jump (tonnes of money and years at uni) to being a Paramedic!

On a slightly different note, I want to mention a realisation that came to me. Five, or even three years ago, I would never have even dreamed of going for a job like this. It shows how much more confident I have become since moving to uni. I find I have more drive to do things now, more of a need to go out and see if i can grab that banana, or even reach that orange. What's the point of just sitting there and munching on bark?

Something that I have noticed only very recently though is more profound. I am not entirely sure what triggered this sudden change, I always assumed something like this took years of dedication and hard work. Well, being content with myself and living in the now has become a reality. I don't need to rush at this, or anything for that matter. I have a whole lifetime ahead of me and that has more meaning for me now than it ever has before. I am happy just being, doing things that must be done. Getting enjoyment out of the most mundane tasks. I've let go of everything that I don't need and I am moving on.

Two main elements stand out. I have goals for the future. I have memories and lessons from the past, but the rest, well that's in the past and I don't need to carry that around. Being here, now, that's what counts and that's what frees up the drive to reach my goals.

The only negative I can't draw from not knowing what brought this change on is that it may not last forever. As a result of this, I am actively pursuing (successfully in some cases) things that will help my career prospects and my sense of worth right now. Those pursuits that end up not so successful don't matter. Take the lessons and steal the show next time!

Sometimes it is just necessary to stop, look around and take a deep breath. That is where I am right now and after, I can continue with renewed vigour having benefitted from the wisdom around me.

Now and Then; Literally

Long term happiness and productivity is the aim, and the wheels have been set in motion. But what about the short term? What about now?

My interview for St John Ambulance was great, and now I just need to wait the 6 weeks for my CRB check to clear. Although it's only 6 weeks, that is hell of a long time to just 'wait'. This is kind of what I mean, I have ideas for the future and that's great. I will enjoy that when the time comes. But what about now? That's where I'm struggling. There is nothing for now and it's because I've been too busy planning for the future, but as the old saying goes; tomorrow never comes.

For some reason it's been wired into my brain that the key to happiness and fulfilment lies with what I plan to do, and to a certain extent that will be key to my happiness, but for then and not now. It seems that I need to change this way of thinking and start doing things for today, for now. If I don't then I'm always only going to be 'happy in the future'.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here, it's not so easy to put into words. It just seems like a massive realisation to me. A better way to put it might be that we all have stuff to look forward to, but what do we do while we wait for them? Nothing is probably the answer, and then once this exciting event passes we again do nothing until the next exciting event. I think the true source of happiness is either from enjoying this 'nothing' or from turning this 'nothing' into something, not from collecting a series of events so that we can brag about them. I always think I would enjoy doing nothing, but in all honesty it sends me stir crazy and saps everything from me, leaving nothing left to enjoy the moment. Is this what they call motivation?

I'm struggling with motivation, probably because I'm planning for the future at the moment. I'm trying to get things to fall into place, but these things are long term and it leaves nothing for the short term except for existing, and this doesn't provide me with any happiness or fulfilment. It is also much easier to commit to something in 6 weeks time because I don't have to face it now, giving the illusion of motivation.

So. In short, I have no motivation for the now. When the future does rock around, I will feel compelled to do whatever it is I had planned because it would be harder to back out. This doesn't sound like something I want to do. I want to volunteer because I enjoy it and I get fulfilment out of it, not because I thought it would be a good idea six weeks ago.

How do I go about changing this view? I will let you know when I find out, I feel I'm not the only one out there with this problem.

This isn't really what I wanted to do in this post and I'm not sure it's achieved what I wanted (I may come back to it when I've had a bit more of a think about it). It has turned into a bit of a jumbled rant and I doubt even I could make sense of it if I were to read over it again and I do apologise, but I feel my this may be key to my success some day and should be posted.

...

On a lighter note to end, I tried to get some information from Cancer Research UK about their fund raising processes and now they seem to think I want to raise £10,000 for them and won't stop ringing me. I don't know how I manage to get myself into these sticky situations.

I will actually try to leave it a week before I post anything else, I get a bit carried away!

Until then, have a good weekend!

Phil